Growing up in Indonesia, I used to think very little of myself. I thought I was too skinny, too tall, had too many pimples, my skin was too dark, and my hair was too black. The list went on and on.
I remember back in high school, in the early 2000s, the definition of a beautiful woman by Indonesian standards was having pale or lighter skin, long hair, smooth and soft skin, a pointy nose, and a slim body.
As a teenager, I didn’t fit that mold at all. I was a tomboy with short hair, loved outdoor extracurricular activities, and enjoyed playing basketball, swimming and camping, which meant my skin got darker from the sun. I was feisty, too—I wasn’t afraid to challenge the bullies in our class. I still remember standing up to a bully in the 4th grade by hitting him in the face. I couldn’t stand bullies, especially when big boys picked on smaller girls. When verbal warnings didn’t work, I wasn’t afraid to resort to a punch or a proper slap. I didn’t think about the consequences back then—I just knew these bullies had to be stopped, and if no one else could deal with it, I would.
In my teenage years, because I had darker skin, I was constantly told by people around me, including some family members, “You’re too dark, too brown. Men don’t like that”, I was advised to stay indoors, wear a cap whenever I go out, or use an umbrella for shade while walking outside, and do whatever I could to lighten my skin. And boy, did I try. I used traditional scrubs that were supposed to make my skin lighter, exfoliating religiously, and I applied whitening body lotion day and night. But nothing seemed to work. I even tried countless home treatments, sometimes with my cousins or my mom, using every herbal remedy we could find in the market. As a teenager without much money, my options were limited to home remedies.
I remember a friend of mine who used this popular whitening night cream at the time, and it worked for her—her face did look lighter. But I pointed out that her neck and hands were still dark, which looked odd. She insisted no one would notice and encouraged me to try the cream. I did, and it resulted in a massive breakout. Sure, my skin got a little lighter, but it wasn’t worth the pimples! Later, I found out that the cream contained mercury! Luckily, I hadn’t used too much of it for too long, but it could have ended very badly. Still, I was desperate. At one point, I even bleached my arms because I didn’t know how else to make my skin lighter. I wanted pale skin so badly.
I thought the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend was because I was physically unattractive. No boys liked me, no boys wanted to be my boyfriend. I had plenty of male friends, but none of them ever had a crush on me. They saw me as one of the guys, probably because I was a tomboy and didn’t care much about appearances. I was happy and comfortable being part of the boys’ club, but as a girl, I always envied my peers who seemed to attract boyfriends effortlessly.
Throughout high school, I never really had a boyfriend. I was either hanging out with my girl gang or with the boys. I laughed, played outside a lot, and didn’t care about romance or drama. While my best friends constantly talked about boys, I was content just listening. I accepted that nobody had a crush on me because of my skin color and probably my feisty character. But despite that, I had a fun high school experience, and I loved it.
When I started college, things changed. I took on a side job as a sales promotion girl in my free time and began to make some decent money. I started feeling more feminine and spent time with fellow salesgirls who taught me how to do my makeup and introduced me to affordable but good-quality salons. This made me more feminine—I grew my hair out and started dressing more like a girl. These were the years when I finally entered the dating scene. Yes, I was a late bloomer, much like the story of the ugly duckling—I transformed during this phase of my life. And even though dating was fun, I often heard comments like, “You’re not the typical beautiful girl that boys usually like.” Instead, I was the “sweet dark-skinned” type—good enough to be a girlfriend, but not the ideal. I was the “brownsugar” girl—the second tier of attractiveness in Indonesia.
Johanesburg,South Africa
It was hard to accept the reality of how society perceives us. It’s hard to stay positive when all you hear is that you’re not good enough. But I moved on, still slathering on whitening lotion for years—trying to look lighter, without success.
Everything changed when I travelled to the UK. People there started complimenting me on how I looked—telling me my skin color was golden brown and how sexy it was. Girls told me they wished they had my skin tone. That was the moment I began to accept that I was beautiful just as I was.
London, United Kingdom 2008
The funny thing is, all this time I was chasing something I didn’t need, when the world was already admiring the thing I took for granted. I was shocked to see people spending money on lotions to look darker, going to tanning salons, and paying to achieve the very skin color I had naturally. It blew my mind! For so many years, I had desperately tried to have their skin tone, while they were dreaming of having mine. The grass really is always greener on the other side, isn’t it?
Only after spending time in London and talking to my British friends did I finally, completely accept myself. I realized I was beautiful. I was enough. And that’s when I stopped trying to look pale and fully embraced the beauty of being me.
What fascinates me the most is how cultural perspectives can sometimes close our minds. We often struggle to see things objectively, judging only from a narrow viewpoint. If only more people understood that differences are what make us unique—that every person, no matter where they come from, matters. Every soul is remarkable in its own way.
Cornwall, United Kingdom 2008
I guess the moral of this story is that I want each and every one of us to love ourselves, no matter what we look like, what color our skin is, where we come from, or where we are in life. It really doesn’t matter. Life is already hard enough as it is. In my case, It took me flying to the other side of the world to realize that what I once thought was a flaw was something that other people could only dream of having.
Often, it’s not who we are that makes us feel inadequate, but the environment around us. If we open our minds to other perspectives, we can see that what makes us different is exactly what makes us extraordinary. In the end, it’s about embracing the beauty of diversity and finding the strength within ourselves, no matter what the world says.
I wish someone had told me much earlier that you are beautiful just the way you are. So wherever you are in this journey of life, embrace it. Always try to stay positive and accept yourself for who you are.
Whether you’re coming from other parts of the world and just starting your journey in this country, or you’re a fellow Indonesian trying your luck for a better life abroad, don’t give up. You will find that “diamond” in yourself, and you will find people who appreciate you for who you are. Just never ever give up!.
Fahra Rizwari
Fahra Rizwari is the founder of Noble Asia, has over 20 years of experience helping international expatriates and their families settle in Indonesia. Born and raised in Indonesia but having lived abroad for many years, Fahra understands the challenges of adjusting to a new country. With her blend of local knowledge and global experience, Fahra is passionate about helping others feel at home in Indonesia, ensuring they thrive both personally and professionally in their new surroundings