Cultural Norms in Indonesia: From Hand-Kissing to Family Obligations

When I first moved to Indonesia, I was immediately struck by the warmth and hospitality of the people. Over time, I discovered that behind this hospitality lies a deep respect for traditions and customs, some of which are uniquely Indonesian. From the way people greet each other to how they celebrate weddings and birthdays, Indonesian culture is rich with meaning and offers fascinating insights into how people interact with family, friends, and society as a whole. 

Here are some of the cultural norms that I’ve encountered, which showcase Indonesia’s distinctive values and traditions. 

Hand-Kissing as a Sign of Respect

One of the first things I noticed was the custom of hand-kissing, especially between younger and older generations. In Indonesia, it’s common for younger people to greet their elders by gently kissing or placing the back of the elder’s hand on their forehead as a sign of respect. This gesture, known as “salim,” is typically done within families, especially when meeting grandparents or older relatives. 

At first, I was unsure how to respond, but over time, I learned that this is a deeply rooted custom that symbolizes respect, humility, and the acknowledgment of authority within families. It’s not something that foreigners are expected to do, but many Indonesians appreciate when you make an effort to understand their customs. The act of salim is not only a gesture of greeting but also a way to preserve familial harmony and tradition. 

Forcing Guests to Take Home Extra Food

Hospitality is a key part of Indonesian culture, and this is especially evident when you’re invited to someone’s home for a meal. Not only will you be treated to a feast of delicious food, but you’ll also find that it’s nearly impossible to leave without being “forced” to take extra food home with you. 

This practice, called “bungkus” (which means to wrap or pack food), is more than just offering leftovers. It’s a way for hosts to extend their hospitality even after the meal is over. The first time it happened to me, I politely declined, thinking I was sparing my host the trouble, but they insisted. Eventually, I realized that this tradition isn’t about inconvenience—it’s about showing care and appreciation for guests. In Indonesian culture, giving food to guests to take home is a sign of abundance and generosity. It reflects the host’s desire to ensure that the guest is well-fed and happy, even after they’ve left the house. 

Now, whenever I visit friends or colleagues, I graciously accept the food offered and thank them for their kindness. It’s a small gesture that deepens the bond between host and guest. 

The Tradition of Birthday Souvenirs 

In many parts of the world, birthday parties are centered around receiving gifts, but in Indonesia, the tradition takes a slightly different form. Rather than solely expecting presents, the birthday celebrant is also expected to give something back to their guests. This gesture usually comes in the form of souvenir ulang tahun (birthday souvenirs), small tokens of appreciation given to those attending the party.

Whether it’s a child’s birthday or an adult’s, these souvenirs serve as a thoughtful way of thanking guests for their presence. They can be simple items like keychains, candles, or small toys, yet they carry a deeper meaning by emphasizing the importance of sharing and giving. This tradition shifts the focus from the celebrant to the guests, who play a key role in making the day special.

However, what began as a sweet tradition has, in some circles, evolved into a competition of extravagance, particularly among parents of children attending both local and international schools. The pressure to outdo each other with lavish birthday celebrations has turned something simple into a display of wealth. For instance, we’ve heard from an expat friend who felt overwhelmed after attending his son’s friend’s birthday party. Thinking he had bought a generous gift—a LEGO set worth USD 100—he was stunned when the birthday souvenir turned out to be a mini iPad. Another time, his elder daughter was invited to a party where the entire class was flown to a private island in Central Java, with the parents booking an entire airline flight for the event.

This trend is unfamiliar to many foreigners and, in my opinion, detracts from the original spirit of the tradition. It also creates confusion for foreign parents when deciding what birthday gift to bring. Lavish parties and extravagant souvenirs are far from the everyday experiences of most children or teenagers, leaving parents unsure of what would be appropriate or appreciated. What should be a simple and thoughtful gesture of goodwill has turned into a high-stakes affair, shifting the focus from gratitude to materialism.

Weekly Visits to Parents After Marriage

In Indonesian culture, family bonds remain strong even after children are married and have started their own families. It’s common for married children to maintain close contact with their parents, often visiting them once a week or at least once every two weeks. These visits are more than just a social obligation; they are a way of showing respect and maintaining the familial connection. 

It’s expected, especially in more traditional households, that married couples continue to prioritize their relationship with their parents. Regular visits allow families to stay connected, share meals, and update each other on important matters. In some cases, it’s not just the couple who visits, but they bring along their children as well, strengthening the bond between generations. 

This custom of regular family visits reflects the deeply ingrained value of “gotong royong”—a communal spirit of cooperation and mutual support. Even as families grow and evolve, the connection to one’s parents and extended family remains a central part of life. 

Grand Wedding Celebrations and Gifting Money (Angpau) 

If you’ve ever attended a wedding in Indonesia, you’ll know that they are grand affairs. It’s not uncommon for wedding guest lists to reach hundreds or even thousands of people. Indonesian weddings are social events, where not just close family and friends are invited, but extended networks of acquaintances, colleagues, neighbours, and even distant relatives. 

The scale of these celebrations can be overwhelming for outsiders, but for Indonesians, it’s an essential way to honor their community. Weddings are often held in large banquet halls with elaborate decorations, traditional attire, and lavish feasts. Each wedding is steeped in cultural rituals, depending on the couple’s ethnic background, and every detail is a reflection of the family’s heritage. 

Instead of the Western custom of registering for gifts at a department store, it is more common in Indonesia for guests to give money as a wedding gift, called angpau. The money is placed in decorative envelopes and handed to the couple during the reception. This practice is not only convenient for guests but also helps the newlyweds cover the expenses of the often extravagant wedding. 

How Much to Give as a Wedding Gift? 

When deciding how much money to give as a wedding gift, there’s no strict rule, but the amount usually depends on your relationship with the couple and the scale of the wedding. For close friends or family, guests often give between 500,000 to 1,000,000 IDR (around 30 to 65 USD), while for more distant relatives or colleagues, the amount might range from 200,000 to 500,000 IDR (about 20 to 30 USD).

However, this is generally considered the minimum. Expectations can rise significantly, especially if you hold a top management position or have a closer relationship with the couple or their families. In these cases, it’s common for the gift to range from 2,500,000 to 5,000,000 IDR (about 130 – 350 USD), depending on your connection to the bride, groom, or their parents.

It’s important to remember that the amount is not just a gift but is often viewed as a contribution to the wedding expenses. While guests are encouraged to give what they can afford, the gesture is also a reflection of goodwill and support for the couple’s future. The tradition of giving angpau aligns with the communal values of Indonesian culture, where supporting family and friends is done generously, without expectation of anything in return.

The Joy of Sharing Cultural Norms

As I’ve spent more time in Indonesia, I’ve come to appreciate these cultural norms and traditions that might have seemed unusual at first. Whether it’s the simple act of hand-kissing to show respect, the “force” to take home extra food, or the grand celebrations of life’s milestones, each custom is imbued with meaning. These traditions speak to the heart of what makes Indonesian culture so rich—its emphasis on community, respect, and generosity. 

Through these experiences, I’ve learned that embracing cultural norms is not just about adapting but about appreciating the unique ways people express care, respect, and joy. Indonesia’s traditions may vary across regions, but the values of family, community, and hospitality remain constant, making the country’s cultural landscape a fascinating one to explore.